Today, my boyfriend came in my room dressed as Harry Potter and declared that he was going to place his basilisk into my chamber of secrets. And yes, that was my first time. FML

Today, my wife and I were doing it when the phone rang. She answered it, and proceeded to ride me while carrying on a more than a five minute conversation with her father. FML

Today, I told my boyfriend of 2 years that I was pregnant. His response? “That’s clean. But we can still have sex, right?” FML

Today, my parents chose I was ancient enough to know that my mother doesnt really have horrible nightmares. She’s a screamer. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a shower together for the first time. He was trying impress me and did some sort of dance go, he slipped, and when he fell he kicked my leg out causing me to fall and hit my face on the faucet. FML

Today, my husband and I were having sex, and just as I was about to end he screamed, “Oh shit! It’s 4:15, my strawberries are gonna whither!!!!” and then jumped off me and went to check on his farm on FarmVille. An imaginary farm, on Facebook. FML

Today, the girl I have been dating for the past five years questioned me to go to California with her to get married. Naturally, I was thrilled and said, “Of course, when do you want to leave?”. She just stared at me blankly and said, “Shit, I was kidding.” FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting pretty hot and heavy, and then he said, “Lets pretend you are someone else.” FML