Today, I was walking with my girlfriend when a small guy walked up and flirted with her. I’m a pretty weak guy and he looked weaker, so I gave him a small push and said “Back off”. He’s really not weak at all. I’ve got a black eye and a girlfriend who won’t stop laughing to prove it. FML

Today, I called my husband during my lunch to tell him that I wanted to go out tonight for my birthday. We got in argument because he said we couldn’t afford it. When I got home from work, he was gone, so I called his cell to see where he went. Answer: to the bar with his friends. FML

Today, I realised that the man who I wanted to be with, the man who wanted to be with me, and my husband were three different people. FML

Today, I finally got the courage to go up and question out the girl I have loved for a couple of months now. After she said yes, I was over the moon and ran home to tell my roommate. The next day, I saw her making out with another man. When I confronted her, she said “Oh, you were serious yesterday?” FML

Today, I was having lunch with my boyfriend and talking about how stressed out I’ve been because of my job. While I’m speaking, he pulls out his phone and says his boss is texting him and it was vital. There was a game of Tetris reflecting onto his glasses from his phone. FML

Today, I was visiting my girlfriend’s house to meet her parents. We were having a nice conversation and her mom then questioned “What have you done recently that was fantastic?” I answered without thinking “Your daughter.” FML

Today, I was flirting with this guy that had been forced to be my lab partner for class. He was really amusing and attractive, too. In the middle of our conversation he said “You’re so cute! You remind me of my boyfriend!” FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were cuddling after having sex a few times. He holds my face in his hands, looks deep into my eyes and says “I smell chicken.” FML

Today, I gathered the courage to question my crush on a date. As I called her, she quickly answered and said “Can’t talk right now, I’m in a movie theater.” and then hung up. I’d called her home phone. FML

Today, I questioned my husband why he won’t list me as his wife on Facebook. Apparently, it’s because he doesn’t want the high school friends he just reconnected with to know that he married “the largest geek in the whole school.” We went to the same high school. FML