Today, was my first day at my new job in a shop. 10 minutes after my first customer leaves I realize she managed to steal $200 worth of merchandise while she had me getting stuff for her from the back room. FML

Today, while lifeguarding, I received six prank phone calls on the official pool phone. When it rang again, I picked it up, told them to go fuck themselves, hung up, and then left the phone off the hook. A second later, my cellphone rang. It was my boss, telling me to get a sense of humor. FML

Today, as I was getting into work, I saw a co-worker of mine walking in front of me. We’re really excellent friends and we joke around a lot, so i jokingly whistled at him and slapped his butt. Turns out it wasn’t my friend, it was the new guy. Hello, sexual harrassment charges. FML

Today, I brought my small sons into work with me. I introduced them to my boss. She said to my shy kids, “You boys don’t know me, do you? I’m Janice.” The older one lit up and said, “Oh, I know you, mommy complains about you all the time.” FML

Today, my boss was handing me a list of phone numbers to call people and terminate them from their jobs here at the company. My phone was on that list. I don’t know what’s worse, not realizing it was my number until I heard my voicemail or getting terminated from my job. FML

Today, my boss called me into his office. He then fired me. Upset, I questioned him “Well, who’s gonna replace me?” His answer was “I don’t know and don’t care. Everyone who works here despises you. Now go away.” FML